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[02 Nov 2005|11:11pm] |
The beauty spot was borrowed and
Now my sweet knife rusts tomorrow.
I'm a confession that is waiting to be heard.
Burn your empty rain down on me
Whisper your deathbeat so softly
We bend our knees
At the altar of my ego
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
All my lilies' mouths are open
Like they're begging for dope
And hoping
Their bitter petal chant,
"We can kick, you won't be back."
I'm a diamond that is tired
Of all the faces I've acquired
We must secure the shadow
Ere the substance fades
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
You drained my heart
And made a spade
But there's still traces of me
in your veins
And we said 'til we die
And we said 'til we die
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[20 Sep 2005|11:51am] |
So, I've just been filled in on "Pusher" by Monica. Ummm...Yikes. I'm still in though, completely. I'm all about beating the hell out of psychos.
Also- I'm in town, since I was invited, I decided to stay with Monica for the time being. Are safe houses allowed visitors?
I wouldn't hate to see you guys.
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[16 Aug 2005|05:03am] |
I've been thinking alot lately about direction. It's funny because I haven't ever really thought about it before, ever. About where I'm going and I sure as hell don't think about where I've been. But losing the things I've lost lately, it's got me kindof introspective. All these things are things I took away from myself, things I sacrificed for the sake of...god knows what, boundaries? Anyway, I've been looking into this sortof stuff the past month.
http://www.marines.com
http://www.goarmy.com
I talked to a recruiter that visited my highschool a long time ago and the idea has sortof stuck in my head ever since. There are plenty of benefits to this stuff, I was thinking green beret but aparently that's not an option to someone my gender. I could make good money doing either, and I know I'd be alot happier there than in any menial retail job. It's what I'm good at, right? And they won't make me shave my head or stop doing makeup or anything crazy like that.
Anyway I'm bringing some information and a couple brochures and I'll be up in you guys' area soon, so maybe you can tell me what you think. I'm headed in that direction and I'll stop somewhere to update this thing before I get there so you know I'm coming because aparently there's all sorts of problems up there right now. I know you said you don't need my help on that stuff, but it couldn't hurt, right?
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[28 Jul 2005|08:35am] |
It's about time to make some changes. What I'm doing right now is stupid, and I figured out where I went wrong down the line. I depend on to many people. I thought I could be normal and content and live in a family and have a boyfriend and friends and everything. Well that would work out just fine, if I wasn't me. But I am me. And things aren't going to get better just because I pretend they are.
I broke it off with Nathan. It's not something I ever want to talk about.
I'm leaving town, too. I can get some decent money from selling everything in the apartment and I'm going to use it to buy a car of some sort. I'd get a harley, but I'd have no where to keep Lucy and she's so spoiled that she'd be helpless without me. I had it figured out in the first place, jumping from town to town the way I was. I think it's because when your expectations are low enough you can never really be dissapointed.
I might drop by DC but I don't know how likely I am to stick around, I think my life is going to be pretty mobile from now on. If the world's going to end in seven years, I should probably see some of it before that happens.
big deal, anyway. The world almost ended last weekend, and no one even noticed.
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| ****Private Entry**** |
[22 Jul 2005|08:10pm] |
SamanthaMulder13: Alex?
k__chyortu signed off at 2:34:15 AM.
k__chyortu signed on at 2:34:16 AM.
SamanthaMulder13: wb
k__chyortu: Sam? I wasn't expecting to hear from you.
k__chyortu: You'll have to excuse the awful connection...
SamanthaMulder13: I wasn't expecting to find you on an instant messaging program
k__chyortu: You'd be surprised where I can be found, most of the time.
SamanthaMulder13: probably.
k__chyortu: Still, it's a form of communication. Not the most useful...
k__chyortu: Or the most secure.
k__chyortu: But I'd assume you'd know that, if there was something important you want to discuss.
SamanthaMulder13: well yeah. I can typically be found at Fox's, where the cable connection is and all
SamanthaMulder13: well...just- nothing important important.
k__chyortu signed off at 2:42:18 AM.
k__chyortu signed on at 2:42:20 AM.
k__chyortu: Yeah? What is it, then?
SamanthaMulder13: ya know, fuck it. nevermind.
k__chyortu: ?
k__chyortu: I get the impression that it's something, if you're bothering to contact me.
SamanthaMulder13: it's stupid, okay?
k__chyortu: Hell, Sam, with you it hardly ever is.
SamanthaMulder13: okay fine, you know on the base, when the guys would sit around and talk about girls and shit, how much of that was true?
k__chyortu: Heh, that? All true. Maybe.... a few lies here and there. Just exaggerations, mainly.
SamanthaMulder13: but you've got alot of experience with that stuff, right?
k__chyortu: Yeah, enough. That's why you... Wait. You're fucking messaging me... to ask for sex advice? That really what this is about?
SamanthaMulder13: No.
SamanthaMulder13: Yes.
k__chyortu: I take it there's not going to be a straight answer.
SamanthaMulder13: look, I don't have anyone I can be sure I can ask
k__chyortu: No? not even Mulder?
SamanthaMulder13: OH MY GOD. He would freak out. FREAK out.
k__chyortu: He'd freak out over anything. I guess that's not surprising. Tell the man most anything and he'll run with it.
k__chyortu: Though.... you trust me more than Mulder? that IS a surprise... again, to an extent.
SamanthaMulder13: well there's a better chance you wont freak out and try to kill Nathan.
k__chyortu: Freak out? For what reason should I? There's more important things at stake to freak out over. Hell, if you're not putting yourself in danger of getting abducted or killed where is the problem?
SamanthaMulder13: See? He thinks it's this huge deal. I've been told it's a typical older brother reaction, though.
k__chyortu: Typical MULDER reaction. Everything is the end of the world to him, whether it actually means anything at all. I say don't let him get in your way- it's your life, do whatever you damn well want.
SamanthaMulder13: well before I do that I need to know what I'm doing
k__chyortu: No shit, you do. It's your first time?
SamanthaMulder13: ...yeah
k__chyortu: I don't know why, I'd figured you'd already found that out for yourself.
SamanthaMulder13: Like I'd trust any guy to get near me with one of those..
k__chyortu: No, you shouldn't. Heh. The first time's a big enough deal for some people, but you get over it.
SamanthaMulder13: have you been with a virgin?
k__chyortu: Yeah. I wasn't much older than you are now.
SamanthaMulder13: Did it hurt?
SamanthaMulder13: for either of you. I mean I know girls who talk about that shit, but they're pretty stupid and lie alot.
k__chyortu: For the girl, yeah, it did. And that's how it usually is. It hurts, but after that first time it won't.
k__chyortu: The whole thing might seem awkward as hell, if you're both virgins. It gets better the more experience you get.
SamanthaMulder13: what kindof things are going to make me look like a slut? like what's a normal, and what's kindof out there?
SamanthaMulder13: too broad, huh?
k__chyortu: Yeah. Very broad. Look, I doubt you'll come off the wrong way or anything.
SamanthaMulder13: well what about condoms? should I make him wear two or something?
k__chyortu: One's enough.
SamanthaMulder13: I mean it's not like I can get on the pill
k__chyortu: No, I don't see how you could without Mulder or anyone finding out.
SamanthaMulder13: well what if it's that time of the month?
SamanthaMulder13: like, during my period. then it doesn't even matter.
k__chyortu: Yeah. There's less chance you'd end up pregnant with this guy's kid, then. That and if he wears a condom.
k__chyortu: I need to leave very soon. I only stayed around so long and bothered answering any of this because... I owe you. I probably still do.
SamanthaMulder13: you do not.
k__chyortu: That's a far cry from "you've abandoned me and I wish you were dead." Changed your mind again?
SamanthaMulder13: 'cmon, I do that every five minutes.
SamanthaMulder13: you know I was just pissed off and shooting my mouth off
k__chyortu: Yeah, I know. You'd think I'd be more than used to it.
SamanthaMulder13: you would think ;-)
k__chyortu: Just figured, it'd already been over a month, maybe more, since I've been in contact.
k__chyortu: Things change fast, for most of us..... I'm one to talk. This won't be the last you hear from me, though.
SamanthaMulder13: better not be, I'll track you down or something
SamanthaMulder13: I'm sure you've got to run off though, cool of you to not freak
k__chyortu: I wonder if you even could find me. But you know how to contact me, anyway. I doubt you have all you wanted to know, but.... yeah, for now I'd better leave.
k__chyortu: You.... keep yourself safe.
SamanthaMulder13: you too.
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[15 Jul 2005|12:33am] |
Do normal people have someone to talk to about these things? I feel stupid writing a journal entry to no one, especially about a topic like this, but there's NO WAY I'm going to publicly broadcast it over the internet. It would make a funny headline anyway.
teenage girl, open for business...
alright, not as drastic as all that, but I have been thinking about things like that lately. Since me and Nathan had a two month aniversary last week. Obviously anyone I talk to about it is going to freak out, but believe it or not growing up on a base with no other women around didn't offer much factual information about sex.
So who am I supposed to ask?
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[14 Jun 2005|01:59pm] |
Thought I'd do a general update, and since I know everyone is just dying of curiosity, post some pics of me and Nate.
( I know you wish you were me )
Nate has a thing for amusement parks and also a shitty car, so we've been driving around to those and visiting alot of waterparks. I never thought I'd be so entertained doing something so stupid. And for the information of anyone who might wonder, no, I'm not wierd enough to start buying plush animals, he buys them. Probably trying to locate my inner little girl or something.
I haven't laughed so much in months....or god, maybe ever...
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[06 Jun 2005|08:42pm] |
Okay, maybe nobody noticed, but I've been a little MIA for oh...a month or so. I trust no one alerted the authorities or anything.
Well, it's not anything you all will get excited about or anything, I just met a boy, and I've been busying being entertained by him, so needless to say, I haven't had as much time to sit around by the computer and give constant updates on how bored I am.
the 411- His name is Nathan, he's not my usual type of guy, he's my age, cute, and funny. He's been dropping in on me for about two weeks now, and his date ideas are always mildly insane, but original atleast.
And I think I've kept him secret long enough, so if anyone want to meet him, or get the whole deal on him, I'm about ready to share. Because these last two weeks no one else can have. :)
Things have gone from intensly boring to incredibly busy, and I'm totally psyched about it.
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[13 May 2005|06:08pm] |
I had an online conversation with Emily- fugitive from the law, today.
( here it is, for reference )
In other news, I've been given an invitation to a frat party. Here's hoping this is the start of a pattern because I'm tired of highschool boys and thier shit. Is it sortof mildly depressing that the best thing I have to look forward to this weekend is the prospect of being arm candy for some college guy? Probably.
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[10 May 2005|02:22pm] |
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music |
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Paranoia -Dope |
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My two unsolicited cents on the Emily issue- stop looking for someone who doesn't want to be found. She's not ten, and if you ask me she's at a fine age to be on her own anyway. A watched pot never boils, and a sought after teenager, never comes home. I actually respect her wanting to have some space and everyone else should too. Everyone would be alot better off if people would let them make thier own decisions and mistakes once in awhile.
On a more self-related note, I need concert tickets. Dope is coming to play in a club in the area and I neeed to see it. Tickets shouldn't be all that expensive I think, I actually don't even know why they're bothering to tour really, alot of thier fans are currently missing...
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[06 May 2005|10:23pm] |
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I don't know why I try with some people. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up and join the sane part of the human race. Ya know, if that's even what I am. It's a constant uphill battle to even reach some people. And I've spent, what? years trying? Some days it's like, as if I don't have enough problems, you know? I've got plenty to worry about.
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[25 Apr 2005|05:55pm] |
Alright, whatever, feel free to call me a total dork, but this weekend was the best one I had in awhile now. I really have to stop being so alone, it's making me a little nuts. I went and met up with Fox, Dana, and Will. And as hard as I try to resist, I somehow keep getting sucked in by thier family dynamic. And trust me, I'm fighting it. It's all so mushy...
Also met Gibson, who's a pretty cool guy, despite the nerdiness. Guess that's Fox's crowd, though, shouldn't surprise me, birds of a feather and all that. Five minutes of conversation with this Gibson guy and I was plenty intimidated. In case anyone hasn't noticed, I'm not smart. And all the people I've been meeting lately? complete genuises. It's to bad because after a few minutes everyone realizes there's no prospect for conversation because I have no idea what the hell they're talking about.
Despite being more than a little confused, the weekend was a nice change of pace, and I got a chance to hang around a college campus (omg college boys! frats! dorms!) and meet some people a little more worldly (and hot!) with similar interests (making out in dormrooms...). No real connections were made though, because I've been spending alot of time with a certain someone else on my mind. A fact that is driving me CRAZY.
well, that's pretty much it.
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[21 Apr 2005|08:24am] |
None but one of you know this, but last night I got the chance to rendevous with a clone of my father, thanks to a friend. Against my better judgement, I accepted the chance, and a meeting was set up with one of what I can only assume is many clones.
I don't know if I have to explain how important it was for me to do this. Had I known what was going to happen, I might have still made the same choice.
The meeting went well for awhile, hanging around with Alex again made me a little nostalgic for the way things used to be, he's a different guy in person, and I know him better than he thinks I do, and probably better than he'd like.
He drove me out to the point where we were to meet since I didn't have any sortof transportation, and the clone was waiting there, as planned. I went alone to go talk to him. I mean, I'm not stupid, I know this guy wasn't my father and I had no reason to trust him, I mean I had a weapon tucked in the back of my jeans and an intention to use it if things got iffy.
He told me alot of things, gave me pretty much my life story, which interestingly enough, does start at eight since I guess that's the age I was...born? I got everything he said on tape, for anyone who's interested, which some of you might be, because he didn't just elborate on me, there's bigger stuff on that tape, too.
He said all this, and my senses must have been thrown off my the reaction to this information, because I failed to notice a steel pipe coming right at my head. I guess after attacking the school they figured out I was a little more resilient than they first anticipated.
I was pretty sure I was a goner, one of the most terrifying things I can think of is what if they wanted me for tests? I don't think I could stand up under another set of those...lucky for me, I didn't have to findout. I came around several hours later in a hotel room with Alex. Who was a decent sport about the black eye I gave him, hope he knows I was just startled...
I haven't had a chance to fill in the blanks yet, and honestly, my head still hurts to much to try and ask what happened.
Anyway, I found internet access in this place, so I figured I'd update in case anyone tried to get me at home and is worried. I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm in trusted company.
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| :private entry: |
[20 Apr 2005|02:57am] |
I'm making this entry private because I don't want to alarm anyone, but if something goes awry I'm sure my journal will eventually get hacked into anyhow.
Alex called me earlier tonight, after the usual paranoid precautions, he revealed that he has the potential to be very, very useful. Maybe part of him even feels bad about ditching me for oh, seven months? Then again, maybe that's asking to much. All I'm saying is that he'd better have been in immedeate danger.
Here's what I know-
Craig is most likely dead.
I have the chance to meet an exact copy of him, a clone, late tonight.
I can't sleep thinking about it.
How could I pass a chance like this up? Everyone in this situation knows I can't. He's got answers, about what's happening, about my father, about what I am...
All the answers in one place. Is that to good to be true? Maybe, but I'll never forgive myself if I don't act on this. Why is belonging so important? As much as I try to kill the impulse, it's still there, and there strong.
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[17 Apr 2005|04:04am] |
A certain person I was pretty sure was dead, (now I only wish he was) surfaced randomly the other day and as usual, was under the delusion that he was important enough for anyone to give a damn about. To bad he's mistaken, atleast in my case, because I really couldn't give a shit.
I'm thinking about going to meet Fox and everybody next weekend. Fox really wants me to, and it seems like nothing to horrible will come of my visit. I hope I'm not wrong about that.
I've been trying to locate my father...or creator, whatever, for some time now with little luck. I can't believe he would let this happen, it's very out of character for him. And I think maybe if I can just talk to him about the issue, that things will be better. Atleast for the people I'm concerned with. Then again, maybe I'm fooling myself, you always think you know someone right before they betray you.
For those interested, my life has been largely uneventful. I was taking advantage of having some open property by setting up a shooting range in the backyard, and that was pretty fun till someone called the police and I had to make up a story about fireworks to keep from being arrested. Small town cops think they're such hot stuff...
I've just been, taking care of things, more or less.
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[13 Mar 2005|02:50am] |
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mood |
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My school guidance counselor (AKA my free halfway decent therapist) would call this my self punishing behavior, saying some blahdy blah about how I think I'm guilt free and actually have lots of guilt that I'm always punishing myself for. She'd probably say something like I shouldn't be so hard on myself, and I should stop trying to hold myself accountable for things out of my control. Well maybe she would, if she wasn't dead.
I guess you could say I'm pushing away good things in my life, but I think I have a better reason than guilt. Like protecting everyone. Who knows what sortof danger I pose now? No one can say for certain that the attack on my school wasn't because of me, even with the other attacks that occured, I'm not sure. So by seeing Fox, Dana, Will...anyone...I'm putting them in danger. And that blood on my hands? I couldn't deal with it. Not even for a second.
If I've got the power to protect the people I love, I'm going to use it. And I obviously can't fight these things, so my power right now lies in staying away. I'm one ticking time bomb everyone can do without.
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[07 Mar 2005|01:02pm] |
Everyone seems to want more information than I have to give. People seem to think I had time to ask a bunch of indignant questions and memorize physical descriptions while running for my life. I don't know what happened, I didn't recognize any faces, all I know is that they were incredibly strong, (even stronger than me) and good anr ruthless. Then again, I do hate being treated like I'm headed for a mental breakdown. Whether I am or not, treating me like a ticking time bomb really doesn't help matters.
When they let me out of the hospital we went back to my apartment and my first instinct was to grab Lucy and start packing. How am I supposed to know I'm not endangering everyone I come in contact with? They could know right where I am right now and everyone would be at risk. I like everyone here to much to carelessly put them in jeapoardy. Especially my family.
I'm to afraid to do the right thing and turn myself in, but I'm also more than a little afraid of being alone again. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just dissapeared.
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[03 Mar 2005|12:19pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
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I woke up this morning in a hospital room and nearly had an immedeate panic attack. All I remembered right away was getting shot and being bounced off a couple walls. If Fox hadn't been sitting right there I might have injured a few doctors in an effort to escape.
I'm pretty sure I look like hell, even with the burns cuts and bruises mostly healed, from what I've heard I came in in alot worse condition. But then, I didn't get the worst of it. Fox is convinced the attack on the school wasn't my fault, and Dana backed him up on that, but I think they both might have not-to-mysterious motives for trying to ease my mind. Either way, when things went down, I failed to save anyone. Even myself, really. Some hero, huh?
I didn't mean to cry. Least not infront of anybody. But I really let myself believe that Craig would give a damn about me no matter what, because that's what father's are supposed to do, right? Well I was wrong, because guess who was the ring leader.
I do this alot. People make all sorts of nice promises throw around big words like love and forever, and I let my guard down. You'd think I'd know better by now.
So even though supernatural healing will have me on my feet in no time, the doctors aren't letting me go anywhere and I'm stuck in this room for a couple more days. Not like I'm going to miss school, or anything.
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[14 Feb 2005|11:08pm] |
So I spent valentine's day with my favorite guy watching Harry Potter and going through a moderatley large stack of valentines from guys at school, and a couple at work. This holiday just reminds me everytime I think I'm loveless there's some guy waiting just around the corner to dote whether I like it that much or not. I didn't settle this year though, I actually managed to enjoy the evening.
I mean, minus the Harry Potter drivel.
So everyone was sickeningly happy and I spent the night on my brother's couch.
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[08 Feb 2005|10:53am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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My lovelife is doomed, and not a week before valentine's day! I am really unable to find a decent, interested guy. I know, I can't believe it either! I mean comeon, nice guys are into the cute girls too, right?
What happened with Barry, you ask? okay, well not many people actually care, but I'll tell the story anyway because it's to embarrasing to tell anyone to thier face. In the last week Barry has had a life changing revelation. A life changing revelation that ended us, because well he figured out he doesn't like girls. Not in the way he thought, anyway.
What kindof an idiot doesn't realize her boyfriend might be gay??! I met him in a department store, for god's sakes. I completely should have known. And because of my emotional obliviousness, I am dateless nearing the holiday of love.
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